Serves him right.
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
A plasma gun
and then there’s you, without both.
He was in Daniel.
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ….the worst case scenario.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
So now we call him Dav
A house brick.
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.” The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
Well, well, well…
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
It was bang on target.
So we can think about a solution in silence.
He tractor down.
Don't worry, he woke up
…for advice about enlarging her breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus–"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock."
At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0
… he made a bolt for the door.
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
It’s a complex complex complex complex. Credit: my buddy Drew
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
I was in the ladies bathroom.
Some asshole has their pen.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
He identifies as he/he.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."