gumball
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.
Her: Where is the 5th? French guy: Cinq.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
Why can’t the eel and the eagle work together?
Because it would be EelEagle
I’m coming
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
https://ift.tt/2BmbJSE
I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Always like this
Always like this
Have you heard about brooms?
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
Doctor: Did you know that you have a severe inability to vocalize your emotions?
Me: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
A guy with a gun enters a bar, and asks “who the heck had sex with my wife ?!”
A guy in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets"
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship…
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
Why do you sneak around in leather armor?
Because it is made of hide.
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit
My wife said it was a huge waist