“gurlfrand”
Me: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
father: how are your grades son?
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
Jewish coming out
Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"
I have a few jokes on unemployed people
But none of them work.
Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…"
In the wake of the coronavirus outbreak…
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.
I think she's a keeper.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
Imagine having a president that doesn’t understand how the First Amendment works
https://ift.tt/2yEEfRR
Why do ghosts get so many DUIs
Cuz they're full of BOOS
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
I’m reading a book about the history of glue.
I just can't seem to put it down.
One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."