Guy gets accidentally shot by the celebratory fire for his release from prison
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
My neighbour's "No Tespassin" sign.
But I don't see it
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
He’ll be up all night.
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in
They’re just trying to be edgy.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
Because they're always stuffed.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
A lip reader
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
I got 48,500 matches.