Guy Needs to Make Up His Mind
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
No text found
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
But you can call me anytime
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
As long as you're poor
I don't want to interrupt her
Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "come on octopus, what's going on?" Octopus goes "dude, I'm trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?"
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
"Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god "What are they?" Adam Replied "Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve." "That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?" "That would be a penis," God replied, "It will let you make offspring to populate the Earth. However, there is one downside." Adam asked, "What is it?" "Well, I only have enough blood to let you use one at a time."
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
They’re a little meteor.
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
Two out of three little ones have no household.
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Because light attracts bugs
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.