Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?
Guy says: Yesterday.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.” She asked, “Which doctor?”
"No, the regular kind."
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho….
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.
There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest. One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?" "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple. "How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond. "And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend. "Tell me why," says the priest. "Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened." The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church." "We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.
A detective arrives at the scene of a crime and immediately knows what the murder weapon is
It was a brief case Edit: my first silver! Thank you, kind stranger.
The First French Fries Weren’t Cooked In France
they were cooked in grease
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
A man bought a parrot but it had a bad attitude and a fowl vocabulary…
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot flies out, lands on his perch, and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?"
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
I don’t think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,
It was an unpleasant asscent.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
Djibouti
After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor
He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people. He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave him the death sentence. The day finally comes and he enters the electric chair room. They ask for his last meal and he asks for one banana. He eats the banana and goes to the chair. They shock him but somehow after the shock he's still alive. Everyone in the room is like "Oh wow he lived, welp i guess we'll let him go." So off he goes back into the world (with a really poor legal system). He decides that he still wants to be a train conductor. So he goes back to being one, he's so confident nothing will go wrong this time. Aaaand then he crashed again, killing even more people. He went back to court again and of course the judge gave him the death sentence. He goes back into the death chamber he was once in, and this time for his last meal he asks for just two bananas. He eats them and goes to the chair. They really dont want him to live so they push the electricity even higher this time. However once again he lives. Everyone in the room is so astonished they dont do anything when he walks out. So this absolute madman decides to conduct trains again. What do you know he messes up again. So he goes to court and all that and he's back in the death chamber. When they ask what he wants for his final meal he says that he wants three bananas. They say "No you can't have your bananas, every time you've had them you survive the execution." They don't give him his bananas or any other choice for a last meal and throw him into the chair. They crank the electricity up to full power and sparks fly everywhere, the room is filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, he's just sitting there smiling, unscathed. They're so confused and even scared, they ask him how he somehow survived a dose of electricity that should kill anything it touches. His answer? "Well really im just not a good conductor." Sorry for the long and probably badly written joke
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
"Silence of the Lambs"
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
Dog 1: “I’m sad, tell me a joke.” Dog 2:”OK, knock, kn…”
They both run to the door barking wildly.
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.