guy with furry pfp freaks out over a defunctland clip and gives no credit
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
I was applying for an Australian citizenship
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
I am opening a new gay club called ‟Garage Sale”
because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
People in I’m r/im14andthisisdeep said that this comic would fit in this subreddit
https://ift.tt/2QFLn5b
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”
"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
There’s a little known legend about Attila the hun
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?
They found the murderer of Captain Crunch.
It was a cereal killer.
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, drinking beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." Jim stared at him. "You some kind of faggot, Bob?"
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
I bought myself a first aid kit today.
I thought I would Treat myself.
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”
What car do lawyers love?
Subarus.
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her…
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time