Guys help, where do I look?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.
As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up. As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?" The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation." "Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.
What do you call a lazy cow?
Lean beef.
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them…
Says he has always been able to count on them.
My Drug Dealer Sold Me Some Shoes Today..
I don't know what he laced em with, but I've been trippin all day!
A man goes to a prostitute…
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
What’s black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
Boy asks, “Granny, have u seen my pills, they’re marked LSD”
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
Dyslexics untie!
No text found
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
“I didn’t have time for the impeachment, and presidents don’t play golf during pandemics.”
https://ift.tt/2LQWyWW
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
until my mom took the urn from me.
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
Why was the horse so smelly?
Because the cow gave him a pat on the back!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark