Guys I found out what the past tense of remove is.
[removed]
It’s getting chilly!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
I haven’t had sex in so long
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant…
…I can't pull anything out in time!
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
ONE OF MY KIDS BROKE MY CAPS LOCK KEY.
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
What follows two eyes?
Captain.
My wife asked me “Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers…
Times are rough.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
She’s still not talking to me.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
![….yep [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/5rnyflkg09q41-1-400x413.png)
If you’re surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide
Imagine how surprised he must have been.
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold." The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view." The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two." "That's fine," the man replies. "For my second wish, I'd like to have $20 million." "Granted, but your mother-in-law will have $40 million." The man nods. "And your final wish?" the genie asks. "For my final wish," the man begins, "I want you to scare me half to death."
I once dated a girl that collected magazines.
But she had too many issues.
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones who go to school.
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It was a little drum attic.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
