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And a lifetime ban from the zoo
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'". The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'". The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."? She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36 When she walks into a room people say, "Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
and I've already got a friend in me.
She’s a mathemachicken
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
But they just didn't get it.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
The Italians just introduced it to women
Hitler volunteered for the army.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth
I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
It improved my outlook.
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
Because it was hotter
You really need a camera
To stop his coffin.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
"I'm not Willie Nelson."
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
If “womb is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom”, then then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
“BOOM” I hope that blew your minds
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
At the review, his dean was berating the veteran prof for having used the same final exam for the past 20 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that they all know EXACTLY what questions are on the test before they sit for it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor, "It's Economics, every year I just keep changing the ANSWERS."
He is de-composing.
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”