Guys this is so me I’m so quirky and relatable!
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
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What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
Nice to meat — ew!
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
He’s good at saving
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.
I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was..
In the end I had to call it a day..
Today, I crossed the street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Little Johnny’s teacher held a contest one Friday in school.
"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN
they become VERY ANGRY
BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.
They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
My teacher told me to turn in my essay…
But I ain’t no snitch.
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*
What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits til you’re twelve to come on your face.
Women shoots her husband
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant . "No not yet the floor is still wet"
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform…
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She hugged me
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
