Ha
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldnβt open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, β5 penises!? How do you pants fit?β The man replies βLike a glove.β
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Is an entire TV show a valid βboomer humorβ submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
If I won 298 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
How bout a blowjob?
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ….And she's always sound asleep."
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend…
At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, βIβm gonna make your nipples hard.β She says, βOh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.β He says, βAnd then Iβm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.β She says, βThatβs it, Iβm gonna tell my husband, and heβs gonna kick your ass real good.β She walks to her husband and says, βA guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.β He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, βHe also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.β Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, βAren't you gonna do anything?β He says, βI ainβt fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.β
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never,"said Ralph. "Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg β his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…"RALPH WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her Iβm pretty good, but I donβt think Iβm ready to compete in a tournament yet.
Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
Heβs a good buoy
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them: "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…" St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she does what she's told. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…" "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
Did you hear about the carpenter who drank on the job?
He got hammered
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
I bought the worldβs worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, itβs terrible.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Theyβll just shoot the room for being black
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What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
A threesome.
Thereβs nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…
Well thatβs a different story.
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
Itβs like Iβve never seen herbivore.