ha
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar…
I don’t remember the rest.
I’m allergic to death.
It causes me to start coffin.
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
An influenzer.
Why Are Murders So Hard To Solve In The U.S. Deep South?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records…
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
Dad fell through a shop window.
Now he's in pane.
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsssss
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
There are four kinds of sex.
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX – After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who was scared of negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
What do you call a bunker with multiple stories?
A layer lair.
Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”
Little billy goes to a whorehouse
Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls. Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket. Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore. Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy. Billy: Why can't I have Sandy? Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy. Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids. Madame: why little Billy? Billy: I'm gonna bang Sandy and she's gonna give me tje herpesyphigonalaids. Then I'm gonna go home and tonight i'll give it to my babysitter, then when my dad drives her home she'll give him the herpesyphigonalaids. When dad gets home he's gonna give mom the herpesyphigonalaids. Then tomorrow while he's at work mom will give the mailman the herpesyphigonalaids. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERF***ER WHO RAN OVER MY DOG!
A college economics professor was up for tenure…
At the review, his dean was berating the veteran prof for having used the same final exam for the past 20 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that they all know EXACTLY what questions are on the test before they sit for it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor, "It's Economics, every year I just keep changing the ANSWERS."
Dad – Hey, do you want to come over for a movie? I have already invited 17 people.
Me- Sure, but why so many people? Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"