Ha cha cha cha cha
Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.
Corona did what Trump promised
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Why don’t people joke about the Jonestown massacre?
The punchline is too long.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor…
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
My girlfriend asked how do I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer.
Want to hear a word i just made up?
Plagiarism. I just made up that word.
I can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows…
These are uncurtain times
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
If you don’t clean your dirty hair, you’ll get a louse.
If you don't clean your house, you'll get a dirty lair.
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
What do you call an ostrich in debt?
An ostpoor.
Why did the competitive fish eater sustain liver damage?
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?
He's going to he'll.