Ha ha
What are a spy’s favorite shoes?
Sneakers
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”.
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
After two weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.
She has the world worst stutter.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
I’m sad I didn’t get to see how my execution ended…
I was left hanging.
How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
A book just fell on my head
I have only my shelf to blame