Ha ha,, funny redneck man
I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down
My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it Edit: platinum 2 mins after posting. Thank you! Edit 2: It’s raining platinum, hallelujah! Thank you everyone!
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He’s almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* – So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. “James Fart! James Fart” the bullies used to make him cry…
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself: -I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name! Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation. -Ok, so… your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart… I'm sorry, I just… -I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember. After a long and tedious process, everything is ready. -Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead? -Charles Fart.
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
Instead of going to the beach, many mathematicians are dividing the opposite side of a right triangle over the adjacent side
They say it's a better way to get a tan.
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
If you’re ever choking on an ice cube
https://ift.tt/2LvRzu3
Walking is just teleportation…
but with extra steps!
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework!” Selfish woman!!
It took me hours to mop that carpet!!
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
Pickup line to use at the a hairdresser…
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
Why do they call it marijuana possession
And not joint custody
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
Son, have a vodka with me!
No, thanks, dad. Come, have a drink with your father! Dad, I'm 5. – Dad is shitfaced but he insists: Ok, just one shot. The kid drinks it and start crying: Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing! Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun! (Russian joke)
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
I’m tired of seeing “Hey OP, I slept with your mom last night!” every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldn’t have told my dad what my username was.
In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision
I can see it clearly.
Hmmm, doesn’t quite work when you’re still standing two foot next to each other.
https://ift.tt/2JK3nIV
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25
Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
A Redditor walks into a bar
Just kidding, Redditors don’t socialize
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.
What kind of bees produce milk ?
Boo bees
Some people have trouble sleeping…
…but I can do it with my eyes closed.