Ha ha ha I want to murder my spouse ha ha ha
Two whales are in the ocean, and one whale says to the other:
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You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
Want to hear a clean joke
Window cleaner
A man goes into a brothel
He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst…? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit….wrong thread.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
The NYPD Bragged About a Big Pot Bust. Turns Out It Seized 106 Pounds of Legal Hemp.
https://ift.tt/2NQdAEZ
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
When does a pun become a dad joke?
when it becomes apparent.
?
I hardly know her!
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.
I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week."
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket..
You can hide, but you can't run.
Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas…
He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat. Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” Satisfied with the cover up of the dog being blamed he rips his biggest fart yet, this time the mother shouts “Rover! Get over here before that man shits all over you!”
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.
How to you send an apology by telegraph?
By using remorse code.
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
Where to buy potassium nitrate Canada
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks