ha ha
My grief counselor died today.
Luckily for me he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
Someone pooped in the water hole again.
Well shit.
When you donate food to a church…
is it parishable?
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
A Nun is very distraught…
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. 'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
I asked a young pretty homeless woman if I could take her home?
She smiled and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
What do you call a Holy woman that works in your office?
Nun of your business
We all know where the big apple is.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I was at a local bar when a woman
at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren’t silent. They’re just waiting their turn.
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
Cremation isn’t free
You have to urn it
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
What did the solar panel say to the soul man
SOUL POWER
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
