Ha! Laugh Out Loud! Stupid kids and their concern for their “fUtUrE”
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
I have peaked Dad Jokeness
[Just some context] Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment. When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer." I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?
It had a bison.
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
Did you know Bach was a big time gambler?
It got so bad he went baroque!
You shuold be be able to edit titles
Edit: should
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie." The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but…
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
Why do girls go out in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they cant even.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis?
Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. “What did the green grape say to the purple grape?”
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!" I've never been so proud.
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
Y’know
I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.
I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.
Apparently transparency is very important to them. (I'll let myself out…)