Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off…
She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. `"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered the bee.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Three men go to heaven
At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time. But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him: "What happend?" "I stepped on a dark cloud" – he replies. After another week the second man comes up to the others in a wheel chair and blind on one eye. "Yeah, before you guys ask. Yes, I stepped on a dark cloud." After another week the third man comes up with a hot, astonishing and absolute breathtaking woman by his side. The others, obviously confused, ask him: "Hey, what happened to you? Please explain." "Stepped on a dark cloud" – she replies.
Due to quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How does a Rabbi make tea?
Hebrews it
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizziscian
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
You know what is really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?
The wizard of fl.oz.
a dick’s life
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
A wife is clearing out her closet
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop” The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes” And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like?”
I said, “Remains to be seen.”
What’s red and bad for your teeth.
A house brick.
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
What’s the difference between a bad cop and a good cop?
A good cop wears a goodge.