Had a dream last night that I was drowning in a orange soda sea…Took me awhile to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.
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What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
I wish tree jokes were more poplar
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My brother went to his AA meeting drunk, then he tripped down the stairs.
He's been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
What do you call a sketchy Italian Neighborhood?
The Spaghetto
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
I just bought new shoes from my drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
What’s a communists favorite part of math?
The distributive property.
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Jason Nomoa!
Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus
and I lost my job as a bus driver.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
A clown held open the door for me the other day.
It was a nice jester.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted: “Uno…” “Dos…” And disappeared without a trace.
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me! Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly. “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”