Had a paper I wrote accepted into a scientific journal. Used a Drake meme as the graphical abstract. They were cool with it.
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 or 2? 2 or 3?
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Yep. It can happen.
Why canโt Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
Heโs transparent
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
My last relationship ended because I didnโt open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.
Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife….
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
โDad, what are condoms for?โ
โUsually to avoid answering questions like these.โ
My wife kicked me out of the house because I’m still singing Christmas songs.
I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!
The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war…
…5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they donโt speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase โsecure the buildingโ. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
An Irish Skydiver
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' " Mick asks: "Did you jump?" Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
What starts with โWโ.
No text found
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said โwell son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years Iโll get another.โ
One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: ย "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." ย "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" ย So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. ย But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. ย The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : ย "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
If I started a band called โCeilingโ…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music โCeiling Fansโ?
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
At the bakery, I saw a cake that was sculpted like a house and I decided to have it.
As I was eating it, I said to myself, "It tastes just like home."
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to โDonโt stop Believing.โ
It was an unexpected Journey.