Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?
Turn off the lights.
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
The early bird gets the worm
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
My grandad always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could have done for him.
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
Bob was in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him. St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation" The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City" St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says "yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" The priest is next, St Peter asks him " your name and occupation" "Father Samuel, minister of the church of God", the priest eagerly replies. After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the preist and says " very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" At hearing this the priest is indignant, " what, but I've been faithfully serving the lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me". St Peter stares silently at the priest. Finally he replies, " my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed".
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"