Had requested a coffee but got a nasty surprise, a cup of tea.
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex…
A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make. "I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I hope this isn't a deal-breaker." "Oh thank God!" the groom exclaims. "I have a secret too…my penis is the size of a newborn." The couple is so happy they've aired their most embarrassing information and relieved the other is okay with it. The wedding day comes and goes and the husband and wife start to undress in front of each other for the first time. The bride takes off her dress, unfastens her bra, and as she said her chest looked like a wall with nipples, no boobs at all. Then the groom takes off his suit, drops his underwear, and reveals a monstrously large penis. So large it is almost grotesque. "I thought you said that was going to be as small as a newborn?" she asked. He answers, "well it is, it's 19 inches long and weighs 8 lbs…are you ready?"
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
A limbo champion walks into a bar…
he is immediately disqualified.
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
I googled how to start a wildfire…
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
A military commander calls his soldiers and says: “the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!”
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well…" said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden… so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of". So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back. "So… what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander. "Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!" "Did you… cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!" "Hmm… did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!" "Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
What do you call hiking trails around an asylum?
Psychopaths
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
My wife told me vacation sex was the best…
Worst postcard ever.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
I used to be addicted to soap….
I’m clean now.
I can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows…
These are uncurtain times
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart