had to change the number this time huh
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff….
Bah-dum tssssssss
Adam and Eve’s Nationality
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
I asked a young pretty homeless woman if I could take her home?
She smiled and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
“Is that your dog?”
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
My doctor told me I was going deaf 2 years ago
Haven't heard from him yet
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
These jokes…
At first I thought that these jokes just weren't that funny. Then I realized that I'm depressed… and these jokes aren't that funny.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.” “You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left
Did you hear about the guy who invented the ‘Knock Knock’ joke ?
He won the "No-Bell Prize"
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We haven’t even started. How lazy are you?”
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.