had to change the number this time huh
Did you know Adam and Eve never had a date?
It was actually an apple.
So 3 nuns die and go to Heaven and are at the pearly gates…
After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each." The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?" She says: "Adam and Eve!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?" She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the last nun – the mother superior – and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?" Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one…" The saint lets her right into Heaven. The End.
I’m having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come.
What’s brown and swings from the belltower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream?
Cookie D'OH!
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”. “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. “Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop. “Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest. “Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her. “My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked. “No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!” The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest. “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop. “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”
Why did the pig cross the road?
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
According to my wife, I’m a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.
I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea saw.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
We’ve all been here
We’ve all been here
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke ,
and don't get a reaction
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
It was a sad day on Sunday
But the day before was a Saturday.
Robber broke into my house to find money
I searched with him
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
I went in my son’s room today and told him he was adopted. He said “I knew it, who are my parents?”
…I told him he didn't understand… we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.
Having gay parents must be the worst
Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing….
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I’m so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice…
Didn’t really work though, I only got 20% off
Flummoxed, I asked my wife, “Honey, the kids don’t want to eat their vegetables. What do you want me to do?” She shouted back from the other room, “That’s fine. Just throw them out, dear!”
Later, I told them, "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!" as I helped them pack their suitcases…