Had to write a short reflection about math I’ve learned while at my college for my capstone class. Figured I’d make it all puns. Hope you all enjoy.
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
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I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
This was shared on Facebook in an album of different boomer cartoons depicting “phone bad”
https://ift.tt/2QRqBjn
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg’s jokes
I still do, but I used to too
A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So…" he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook…"
My wife claims that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met.
I’m not buying it.
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
An artist and a scientist see a rainbow…
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
What did the old tile roof say to the new tile roof?
Repairs will be futile.
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter…
When I thought to myself "Man…I'm fucking nuts."
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crumby.
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.