Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
What’s the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
Grenade actually accomplish something when it triggers. EDIT : NOT FROM USA NOR WHITE
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
“I didn’t have time for the impeachment, and presidents don’t play golf during pandemics.”
https://ift.tt/2LQWyWW
My grief counselor died recently
Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
A kiss might make her day.
But anal will make her hole weak.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.” The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!” “No, because he’s heavy.”
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
Why are communist jokes so funny?
Everyone gets it.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best.
I can’t believe what this world is coming to.
I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, “Downtown”…
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
Are your kids twins?
A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice …"
What do you call a dog floating in water?
A good buoy
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I’m amazed by dry-erase boards…
They’re remarkable.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.