Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
The pope visits Texas…
He gets the VIP treatment. Limos. The works. One day there’s a bit of a mix up in his schedule and he finds himself in his limo with just the driver. Nobody else. Seeing the opportunity he asks, “Mr Driver I haven’t had a days peace in decades. One of my old pleasures was to just drive my car. Please, you will be blessed, can I drive the limo?” The driver reluctantly agrees. They swap seats and off the Pope goes. Obviously, completely caught up in the experience he goes way over the speed limit. Only to be pulled over by a state trooper. Trooper knocks on the window. Pope winds it down. Trooper takes one look at the Pope and returns to his squad car without saying a word. The trooper gets on the radio and calls his sergeant. “Boss. We have a problem here.” “What is it?” says his boss. The trooper explains he’s stopped a limo for speeding. “You know how you said to call you first if I ever caught a big fish? I’ve caught a big fish”. “Well who is it man?!” exclaims the sergeant. “He’s a big fish!” says the trooper! “Well who for crying out loud, is he a fellow officer?!” “Bigger fish than that!” says the trooper. “Tell me who it is! Is it a senator?!” “Bigger!” “The governor?!” “BIGGER!!” “Tell me or I’ll have your badge officer!!!” SCREAMS the sergeant! “I don’t know who he is but his driver is the Pope!!”
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine…
The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing. "God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says. "Things come and things go", the rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our misfortune?" "Don't mind if I do", the Pope says. The rabbi gets a bottle of cognac from his car and pours the Pope and himself a drink. The Pope drinks his cup, but the rabbit does not drink his. "Why aren't you drinking?" the Pope asks. "Me?" the rabbi asks, "I'll wait for the police to show up".
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…
…until the pressure got to him.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am
I'm really not a mourning person.
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
I was in the library one day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
What do you call a one-armed karate man?
A partial artist!