Haha!
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high
She seemed surprised
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
xi jinping has coronavirus
He is now called winnie the flu
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter
Which sucks because he had a great fall
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
A man goes to a prostitute…
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
What do you call a sad coffee??
Dippresso
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up?
Fine. Suture self.
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears
Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
![Jovial Electropherogram [not mine]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/jrlo1jt5tq641-400x186.jpg)
2 is a prime number against all odds.
No text found
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
Pope Francis likes to don a fake mustache and walk around the Vatican, praying for the poor.
It's a blessing in disguise.
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
Before I die
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me to ask whether I got their email. I said no.
They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”
What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
I ordered a vault and a speaker off amazon
They arrived safe and sound
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
