Haha…. :(
How can you tell good cops from bad cops?
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
Two wives went out for girls’ night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says, "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties." "You think you have it bad?", says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
One wish
A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?" The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!" The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?" The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly. "Two or four lanes?"
I haven’t had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility
If only they could see me now!
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst.
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My book on clocks finally arrived
It’s about time!
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
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Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
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“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
Most slutty costume for Halloween goes to?
That girl dressed up as my professor, she barely covered anything important.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.
They are already experts at recycling.
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
I just had a physical, the doctor said “don’t eat anything fatty”
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
What do you call a dolphin that never ends?
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
I have joke about left-handers.
The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience.
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic