Haha a bitter defeat
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
My dad texted this to me, I have experienced a tragic loss as my dad is now a boomer
https://ift.tt/2pC1ZBB
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
No text found
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
Park rangers told us not to leave any wrappers inside the car because bears might break in…
Bears must really like Hip-Hop.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
Only anti-vaxxers will get this one…
Small-Pox
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
This was shared on Facebook in an album of different boomer cartoons depicting “phone bad”
https://ift.tt/2QRqBjn
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
What do you call a police officer in bed?
An undercover cop.
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you’ve stepped on their tails?
It's your Yelp score
something something taxes idk
something something taxes idk
A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.
"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late." Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this problem after class. Then second late student came. "I am really sorry I came late. I overslept my alarm, but I got to my horse and galloped here as fast as I could. And suddenly in the middle of the town square my horse died, so I had to walk the rest of the way." Teacher doesn't believe this either. But before he can say anything a third late student appears in the class. "Let me guess. You wanted to came here on your horse, but it died. Am I right?" asks the teacher. "What? No. I went by tram as usual. But we were delayed, because on the town square are 2 dead horses lying in the track."
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
This dude had beautiful long hair 5 years ago. Very funny comment but also Oof.
https://ift.tt/2ywG2Za
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!" "I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. "Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says. "It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on." So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it. "Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back." "Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?" "Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.