Haha, a guy getting kicked out is funny
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
What is the best place to train your legs?
Squatland yard.
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
Why couldn’t the number 3 cross the border?
No trespassing
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said โI can tell your singleโ. I laughed and asked โwhat gave it away?โ She said โyouโre fuckin uglyโ
The most corrupt president in American history. Also pictured: Richard Nixon.
https://ift.tt/2qIn6m2
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, โGive me two shots ofโฆโ
The bartender cuts him off saying,โYou only get one shot.โ
A man is in court. The Judges says,”on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?”
"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
Thereโs a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, โCome on man, I was just joking. Here, Iโll buy you another drink. I just canโt stand seeing a man crying.โ โNo, itโs not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and Iโm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.โ โThe police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.โ โAnd when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poisonโ
So, little Johnny has a report due for government class…
He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when theyโre standing too.
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But Iโm thinking of giving it a shot.
My shoe split at work today
I knew this job would take my sole
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
My girlfriend was shouting โGive it to me now! Iโm so fucking wet!โ
I simply told her โThis umbrella is mine. Go get your own.โ
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: slaps me right across the face "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
My dad always said โFind a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry youโ
โShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by themโ