haha computer bad
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
Milk is the fastest thing on Earth.
It's pasteurized before you know it.
I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers…
Times are rough.
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
No text found
What do houses wear?
Address
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.
He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms – and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, βNo, but Iβve only been standing for one hour a dayβ. The doctor says he understood.
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rockβs paper scissors.
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didnβt.
He was in De Nile
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure theyβre not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. Β The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear?
denim denim denim
What do you call a liquified bread drink
Carbo-Hydrate
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
I’m not an apologetic Canadian…
I'm sorry, I'm just not
Hey Atheists! If God isnβt real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didnβt have sex?
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
Iβll see you next month
Iβve been trying to come up with jokes about people who donβt exercise
But none of them work out
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
Youβll get Jurasskiced
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny