haha daddy has ED
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
A man with 5 legs put on pants
They fit like a glove
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said
"Have to love Easter, baby…."
Wife: I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
Husband- Hi Pregnant, I am Dad. Wife- No you're not.
nothing tops a plain pizza
No text found
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
What did the horse say when it fell down?
"Help, I've fallen, and I cant giddy up!"
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it. I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..
I would have $6.38.
My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
https://ift.tt/2ZvIt7n
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
