haha epic

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
In French we don’t say ‘ninety nine’…
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'
I lost a drinking buddy to a tragic accident,
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
I dated an African girl….
we just clicked
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
I thought a had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, “so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left”. The teacher interrupts, “you see children, the Fokker was a German plane”.
The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".
Nobody ever asks “How is Coke doing ?”
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends
Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!" The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww". So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks. To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "How the hell did you do that ?"
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesn’t believe me.
I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman’s body
Then I was born
A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL…
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee. “I’m out of petrol,” the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. ”Try it now,” said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow,” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?” “BP,” answered the bee.
If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a day.
If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter
It’s pretty nuts.
People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid…
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.

“I’m sorry, but Joey Starr is not mentioned among the 20th century philosophers”.
https://ift.tt/3gDH1bb
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."