haha funny 100, reddit 100
He wasn't being very trans parent.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
Because they have no body to go with.
I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He went ice skating before it was cool.
It’s a total rip-off
Well, I could use a light snack.
It was quite a Marvel.
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
He fingered a minor.
Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
He was in Daniel.
But then he disappeared without a tres…
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
He was out standing in his field.
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 privates guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it. "We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did!" He searched for last commander's phone number, and called him to ask him why did he want guards in this particular bench. "I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition". Going back another 3 commanders, he found a now 100 year old retired General. "- Excuse me sir. I'm now the CO of your camp. I've found 2 guards assigned on a bench. Why did you put them there?" "- What? The paint is still wet?!?"
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
But there’s too many drawbacks
It was a brief case.