Haha funny
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
three times…
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short…”
Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…" St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…" "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot.”
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
A man’s in-laws are causing him severe stress….
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way. A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked. "Yep! They're finally dead."
I have the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
Chinese is a tonal language…
The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use. This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations. Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
Why do pornos always end with the guy coming?
Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving.
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.