HaHa. Funny?
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word…
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
What was Matthew McConaughey’s least favourite part of Interstellar?
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
Finally finished my huge book on the history of clocks.
It's about time.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
My dad’s birthday is today (12/14/45). To him and all other dads and dad-like figures out there…
….thank you for the dad jokes. They may not all make us die laughing and some we've heard you tell a million times over, but the one thing they have in common is that they're told in kindness and they put a little smile on our faces. And living in this crazy world, that's a very good thing. I love you dad.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
Why did the competitive fish eater sustain liver damage?
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
It’s so sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as …
A pack of feral hogs
Communism was bound to fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
A very old joke called, “Why Worry?”
Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?