haha funny
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…
You have my Word.
What’s 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?
Username checks out
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”
"Is this her first child?" he asked. "No this is her husband"
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes…
…it would become a pomegranite.
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.