HaHA, FuNnY 69 iS fUnNy!
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
It’s fucking r/aww
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
I don't get the difference.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
A tea toddler
He even laughs sometimes.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
Best dam thing I’ve watched in a while.
You have my Word
For keeping me off the streets
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&M’s.
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. “I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts” he says.
"You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" comes the reply. "You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned! Get out!" she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?" she asks as the man returns. "I want to turn you upside down, fill your cunt with Guinness, and then drink every last drop". The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right, he's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my cunt with Guinness and then drink it all…" she cries. The husband stops, puts down his bat and then returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love… I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness."
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I refuse to go that level
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
You use a pumpkin patch.
…he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke. "Take this apple." "I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke." "Trust me, try the apple." The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!" "Yup. Turn it around." "Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!" Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in. "Vodka and tonic please mate" "Here's an apple." "I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a…" "Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer. He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!" Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!" A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate". "Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!" "Any flavour?" Asks the third man. "Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman. "In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!" "Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple. The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar. "EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like shit!!" "TURN IT AROUND!!"
..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water. After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or telling tall tales. All in all the young man feels as if he has found his calling. A few weeks go by like this, the young man loving his new life except one part.. There are no women. After a couple of months like this, he is starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation and voices his complaints to his shipmates one evening. "Why don't you just use the barrel?" Asks one of his mates with a surprised look .It turns out that down in the hold, in a dark corner there is a barrel, with a hole drilled into the side.. Whenever the sailors start to feel their urges rise, they simply go down to the barrel and take care of their business there. The young man decides, with some scepticism, to try the barrel, and finds to his surprise that it is a wholly pleasant experience, in no way lesser than any he has had with real women before. With this new found release the young man starts to enjoy his work even more. His days continue as before, and his evenings are still spent in pleasant company, but a new addition to his routine is a nightly visit to the barrel. Another two months pass in this way and all is well, until one night as he gets up from his seat at the card table and announces that he is going to visit the barrel to his mates.A few chuckles greet this announcement and one of his friends asks "Trying to get the final fun out of it eh?" "Final fun? Are we getting rid of the barrel?" The young man asks, worry playing over his face. "Not at all mate, it's just that.. next month is your turn in the barrel."
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!