Haha funny dog 😂😂😂
I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
I wonder what my wife’s favourite US state is.
Maybe Alaska.
What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?
Vegans rub it in your face for free.
Stolen off of r/memes. Go support the original poster. I’ll put his account in the comments
https://ift.tt/2WYsJdm
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
Crying should give you better skin.
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
A mime was arrested in my town after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
Just flew in from Asgard
And boy, are my arms Thor!
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck
They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied. The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat. The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. Anything.” The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities. “Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”
Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?” The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.” The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.” The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
So I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage….
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
An IRL dad joke
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
I am writing a drama on puns.
It's going to be a play on words.
They told me I’d never be good at poetry cause I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
I say no to alcohol.
It just doesn’t listen.
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled… "SUPPLIES!!"