Haha gamer funny
cos 0 = 1
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
Yep, he went down in History
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
He had a vowel movement.
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
Neil before me.
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And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
They kind of fell off.
You put a little boogie in it…
"Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
We’re neighbors now.
But I’m 2² to tell it!
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
I'll meat you in the middle.
To take a photo in front of a church.
They turnip the beets
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Then I know it will never come for me
It's the neighborhood watch.
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
In China, dogs are E10.
She’s a mathemachicken
She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.