Haha get it? Because millennial?
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
Mass confusion.
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
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someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
The Hindenburg
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
I guess China finally got what they want
They managed to coronise the world.
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
Please remember to vote today
and remember to call a doctor if your election lasts more than 4 hours.
I’m glad I’m good at making musical puns
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure…
I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody…
I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.
I think I might be a heroine addict.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra
There's too much sax and violins
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
Best knock knock joke ever..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher. "Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.