haha get it? Because old women keep cats to fight loneliness
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s VP in makeup versus out of makeup?
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
What’s blue and not so heavy?
Light blue
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
Target suggesting I travel over 4500 miles to buy my daughter a $200 bike today.
https://ift.tt/2Y0PiPb
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy
At least that’s what her diary said
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
What did pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller
My wife said “you have a terrible sense of direction,”
So I packed my stuff up and right
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere. She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China. she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds. she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed. Best thing that has ever happened in my life.
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
Tripped over a dead body. Drew a chalk circle around it.
Did my part for contact tracing.
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion
They would call it crucifact.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
How to fall down the stairs
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 12 Step 24
What do you call a muscular Arab?
Protein Sheikh.
Bigly missing someone who sounds like they have more than a third grade education.
https://ift.tt/2wDJ50J
What I if told you
You read the title wrong
What starts with 0 and end with 0?
My bank account.
I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked
I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived
