Haha get it, dense? #sciencememe
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, “What would Jesus do” ?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they could see the battlefield
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each otherโฆ
โฆthe NSA will finally read it.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, โDo you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!โ Trump replies, โI seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!โ So the Pope slapped him.
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says itโs terminal.
Iโve been saying โmuchoโ more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piรฑata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.
When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree. The couple accepts gladly the procedure. The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear. But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level. The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting. At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good. Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
A husband notices his wifeโs hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
โI canโt speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old ageโ he says to the doc. โThereโs a simple trick you can try to determine her hearingโ explains the doctor. โSimply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesnโt hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she doesโ. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, โwhat a perfect opportunity to test her hearingโ. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; โWhatโs for dinner honey?โ No answer. He moves closer. โWhatโs for dinner honey?โ Still no answer. He moves even closer. โWhatโs for dinner honey?โ Still his wife doesnโt answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. โWhatโs for dinner honey?โ โFOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WEโRE HAVING CHICKENโ
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
I was going to share a joke about planes.
But I do not think it will take off.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldnโt fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didnโt have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked โHow fast do you think a hearse can go?โ
Me: I donโt think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I canโt do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line Iโm all set
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, theyโd just land in the boat.
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket…
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought โhmm, thatโs a little condescending lโ