Haha, kids too safe.
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
He tractor down.
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10. "Just don't tell Dad" she says. Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny. An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything." Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says. Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister." The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says: "Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
To render the buildings
So they can see the front lines
"Well, you're half right."
Just a paramedics
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
But I do not think it will take off.
That one came right out of the orange.
….really give me the crêpes.
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
The Chargers suck.
Because they have a supreme ruler
The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
One shucks between fits.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
I said "Wow! To scale?" He said "No, just to look at"
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son. Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son. Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?! Wife : oh god. Kidnapper : what? Wife : you have my husband.
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.