…we'd never hear the end of it.
Then he turned into a driveway.
The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways. All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought he was dead. The man replies: "I was, but after two jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great.
It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice: “I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man. “You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!” The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. “What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got nothing to say?!” Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . “Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”
Between you and me, something smells.
… and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863!" The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "Send them all back." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "Stephen Miller, 2016!" The student in the back yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher said to the student in the back, "Stop that right now, or I will alert the principal!" The anonymous student replied to her, "I didn't do anything wrong, everything I said was perfect!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Donald Trump, 2020." The teacher stormed out of the class to get the principal, and as the classmates looked at each other, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro to get him to shut up, while someone else yells "Duck"! Pedro calls out, "Dick Cheney 2006!"
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes’ she says. The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
Haha, I made you smile.
No text found
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
Strange way to start a conversation….
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
Because attachments are forbidden
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
It's much nicer having some company.
You’ve seen the mall.
When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out. So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer… again they bang on the door, no answer. In a fury the chicken busts down the door and grabs the keys to the Mercedes parked out front. Then the two of them grab some rope. The pig then drives down to the mud hole and attaches one end of the rope to the horse and the other to the bumper. The pig then pulls the horse out with the Mercedes. The next day, the three of them are walking again and the chicken falls into the same hole. The pig begins to say “I know what to do!” and begins to run back to the house, but the horse stops him and says “hold on, watch this”. The horse then steps over the mud hole and says to the chicken, “grab hold of my penis”. The chicken complies as he doesn’t want to die in the mud hole and grabs hold of the penis and the horse pulls him out. The moral of the story is, when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
They’re charging me with tacks evasion.
that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."