haha man chase woman but not for boobies
My favourite laws
1. Thermodynamics – energy cannot be created or destroyed 2. Murphy’s – anything that can go wrong will 3. Cole’s – thinly sliced cabbage
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes…
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not
What’s the best way to kill communists?
Communism.
Fairly Oddparents predicted skibidi toilet?!?!?!?!
Fairly Oddparents predicted skibidi toilet?!?!?!?!
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
What do you call a line of men waiting for a hair cut?
A barber queue
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods…
It could be Spam.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
What do you call a deaf dog?
Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher. "Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
“Dad can you take your prosthetic off the table?”
"No, I'm trying to get a leg up." (my actual amputee father)
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
My little sister just learned how to crack knock knock jokes and she just used this on me
Her: knock knock Me: who's there? Her: eye lo Me: eye lo who? Her: eye lo you This is isn't funny but I had to share my lil 2 year old's first knock knock joke
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
Two men with Alzheimer’s at the beach
They're peckish and want some food. The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?” Carl: Sure what do you want? Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now. Carl walks off… Bob: Now you will remember what I want? Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce. Bob: Correct Carl walks a little further… Bob: Don’t forget now Carl Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl is nearly at the ice cream van Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE… A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers. Bob: Fucking hell Carl where’s my fries??!
How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?
He was out standing in his field 👨🏻🌾
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.