Haha many hands funny
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.
I bought some Shoes from my drug dealer yesterday.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?" 'Oh f*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.
It's called 'Facebook'
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
What’s the difference between “comma” and “coma”?
The length of the pause.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
A guy sent me his nudes.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
I tried to makeup a joke about shopping.
Does discount?
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
Why do meremaids wear seashell bras?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
Many years ago, all the female Warlocks perished in the desert.
The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost. Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together – one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul – they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in. It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches.
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
If three is company;
Four is an unpaid intern.
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
“Hey dad. Have you seen my sunglasses?”
“I don’t know. Have you seen my dad glasses?”
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.